GAAAAAAH!!!! (contains potty mouth).

Well, that was a crash course in frustration. On Tuesday I rang Motability to try and get a referral to my nearest driver assessment centre so I could be absolutely sure what I want and need from new Wheelchair Accessible Vehicle (WAV).

I was asked a few questions by the person on the other end of the phone….and promptly refused a grant for a WAV I can drive myself.  I don’t meet any of the criteria (mainly not having a job) but I can apply for one that would make me the passenger only. What the tartan fuck is the point of that!?  I’d be no better off than I am with the car I’ve got now.  The whole point of me getting the WAV is that I will have total freedom to lead my own life, and it also increases my chances of getting a job tenfold.

And really, is it too much to ask to be able to get in my car and take myself off for the day without needing to make sure there’s someone at the other end of my journey to sort out my wheelchair? Am I not allowed ONE freakin day in my own company?

Right now I am feeling utterly deflated.  All my plans for this year centred around that car and if I can’t get it…  I can’t give up. I won’t give up. But I may just need to go away and have a little cry first.

Dad and I have been batting around alternative ideas for finance.  One option is a ready-converted WAV but that would involve a Hire-Purchase agreement and wouldn’t cover things like insurance and roadside assistance which make Motability the only affordable way for me to have a car in the first place.

I’m going to name-drop here because Kerry at Holden Mobility has been awesome so far.  I’ve been emailing her today about this new curve-ball and she’s given me plenty of ideas about appealing decisions etc.

I was not offered the opportunity to be referred to the driver assessment centre, though I was offered a grant application form which I accepted.  When I received the application form, I noted that section 4 is specifically for applicants who wish to drive their WAV, which confused me somewhat as I was lead by the guy at the grants department to believe that grants are currently only available to those customers who wish to use the car as a passenger, not the driver.

**Sigh** I’m going to bang my head on the nearest wall now. I may be some time….

Coming back to life.

I’ve had a weird week.

Having had three to four years of wobbles, glums and academic stress I am starting to feel more like my old self again.  There was a time when if anyone asked my friends  the first word that sprang to mind was when they thought of me, they’d say ‘BALLSY!!’  (Some also admitted to my face that they’d rather spoon-feed a pissed off Rottweiler than get on the wrong side of me but thankfully that side of me grew up and moved on! Haha).

I used to love horse riding – I competed in a few Dressage competitions and even contemplated becoming an instructor in my early twenties, but we moved to another part of the country and by the time I was thinking about getting back into horse riding again, my body wouldn’t allow it.   I could have switched to carriage driving, but though I enjoyed it there’s nothing like that close contact with your horse (or the mild thrill of knowing you might fall – fortunately I got really good at bouncing!).

So I kind of drifted along at this more serene pace, and thought it was OK with me.  Well, that changed when I read THIS BOOK and the pennies started dropping in a big way.  It was the smack round the back of the head I needed to make me realize ‘actually, I’m not living authentically.  I’ve been sleepwalking and totally lost touch with my Wild Self’.  My well-honed inner critic locked on to this realization and took exception to the way I’ve neglected my spirit, so now I resolve to do something about that.

Next year I will be getting my Wheelchair Accessible Vehicle which means total, unbridled freedom to do anything and go anywhere.  I figure if I am going to get that much freedom back, why not go the whole hog?  So now I’m selecting some experiences I wish to have in 2012.   Of course I have to be sensible and realize that some things would just be damn stupid and really bad for my body, but within that there’s still a hell of a lot to choose from! So, I present to you the start of my 2012 Bucket List:

* Skiing

* Kayaking

* Fencing

* Ice Hockey

* Four cross Mountain Biking/Mountain trike.

* Surround myself with Batshit-crazy enablers!! LOL.

This list will get longer, and I won’t cross everything off it in 12 months, but I can have a bloody good stab at it!! I know I WILL acquire some bruises, and that some of this WILL frighten seven shades of shit out of me but you know what? That kind of fear has to be  far more healthy than the fear I’ve experienced whilst losing my identity.  BRING….IT…..ON.

If anyone reading this is disabled and taking part in an extreme sport, or you’re able bodied and assist disabled people who do,  hit me up! I am more than willing to be led astray…. **grin**.

Revelations.

On Friday I had a SKYPE chat with a new friend who is also disabled, and we were talking about WAV’s or ‘Wheelchair Accessible Vehicles’.  Martyn has Spinal Muscular Atrophy and drives a WAV, so I was asking him about his set-up just out of sheer curiosity.  However that conversation turned out to be rather prophetic…

When I first started driving  I was able to slide my chair into the boot and walk back round to the driver’s side. However because as I no longer walk I needed to do a ‘dry run’ with the light chair to be sure that I can actually get everything in my car at point A , then get it all out again at point B unaided.  Well, Dad and I discussed all the techniques and options for getting the chair into the car and out again, but after much straining, a bit of swearing and some scratches on my door sill (oops!) it’s become obvious that I need a WAV.

When I was looking for the car I have now, Dad and I talked about a WAV but I was very reluctant not least because I hadn’t realised how much my abilities had changed but also I thought of WAV users as ‘fully disabled’ and at that point I still wasn’t really ready to embrace my disabled self.   But yesterday, when I learned I had a new limitation instead of being angry or sad, a light bulb went on in my head and I actually felt curiously liberated!  Now I know the equipment and techniques I can’t use, it’s guiding me to the ones that WILL meet my needs I can get me back to total independence.

We had a quite a giggle yesterday because when Dad put my current wheelchair back near the car so I could get in I said ‘Give me the other one back, I want to see if my arse still fits in it after 17 years!’ haha.  Well, do you know what? It still fits me beautifully and not only that, but it is still the most comfortable ride.   The wheelchair I’m typing at you from right now is big and comfy but I hadn’t realised just how much it knocks my posture to hell!! In the sports chair I felt like everything was connected and I was sitting squarely in my body instead of feeling like a brain in a chair *lol*.

Anyway, I’ll be using the sports ‘job’ for walks down the track because it can get muddy so it’ll be better to transfer into my ‘house’ chair that I can keep clean rather than having to wash the wheels down and wait for it to dry before I can get back in the house!

So, how about your ‘eureka’ moments?  Has your disability changed to the point where you needed to do things differently and how did you achieve that? Comment below, and you may help someone else who’s trying to figure all this out .